The Double-Edged Sword

(TW: emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation)

I am taking a step back from tumblr (and the internet/social media in general) due to lots of shit I need to deal with in my life. My five-month intimate relationship with Jenna ended due to lots of issues of how I interact with her as a partner as well as how I interact with other friends and people in my life. There have been patterns of emotional and verbal abuse that I have struggled with in my close relationships in the past, and they have become particulary apparent recently to myself and to my friends from my relationship with Jenna.

These issues have gone beyond just my intimate relationships, and I have also been pointed out many ways I interact with others in general that embody traits of social climbing, manipulation, and treating people as commodities, basing relationships off what I can get out of the person, rather than truly building a genuine emotional bond. I have also recognized having a strong sense of entitlement in my already-built relationships to their support, company, and anything else I feel like I need from them. These traits, attitudes, and ways of interacting are taught to us, and sometimes even encouraged, in the kyriarchal capitalist system – though as someone who tries to resist oppression, I embody these traits far too strongly.

What is truly scary is that many of these issues were unrecognizable to me up until very recently, and I struggle with being self-aware and even having empathy and compassion for those I care for most. Many of my behaviors are contradictory to my thoughts and beliefs, and I can feel really disconnected from my actions and thoughts sometimes.

I have begun an accountability process for the abusive aspects of me and Jenna’s relationship, as well as to address my other issues of social climbing, entitlement and manipulation. This statement is a requirement of the process, along with journaling, reading, meeting in a weekly support group, being transparent to all my friends and comrades and others I interact with regularly, as well as some formal essays reflecting on what I have done, how I can change, and a reflection essay once I have been fully accountable. Jenna and I are still on good terms, and we are trying to support one another through this process, with the help of several friends.

As well as the accountability process, I am going to start weekly counseling sessions to unpack different aspects of my life. I earnestly want to stop hurting my friends and loved ones, and am working my hardest to address core problems in my past and present to transform into a tender, compassionate, genuine person.

Tumblr and other social media perpetuates ideas and attitudes of social climbing and posturing or posing a persona. The internet is an addiction I have struggled with for a few years now, and I am trying to purge that addiction. It has prevented me from basic methods of self-care and deep introspection, and I plan on relearning how to do both.

If you have any questions at all, or any helpful insights or readings, please feel free to contact either Jenna or I.

Take care everyone (I know I’m going to try),

-Mack